September 2009 - I posted about Love, Family and Other Committments. Can't remember all the details as to why I did, but I felt I had to send the reminder out then about what we stand for. Why we're a special family. Why we're so important to each other because when it comes down to it, I can't imagine who else I'd lean on in my darkest hour.
That family has been expanding - Suz, Jordan, Blair. Each of them are extensions of us now. Each one knows their person and the family based on the experiences they've shared with us and the stories and history we've shared with them. My kids are also part of that expanding family and in time, they'll learn more about us so that they can learn from the past to protect their futures.
Some of us believe that our past doesn't define us but I think they may be thinking that definition means trapped. That because we had the life we have had, we're destined to be miserable. Turning our back on it and pretending it didn't affect us is the only way to be happy and at peace.
The thing is - for me (not speaking for all here), my past has made me who I am and I've accepted that. I had to finally embrace it and stop thinking it didn't happen. I tried to hide it and pretend it wasn't that bad and it led to me not talking to Dad and cutting Mom out of my life. Healthy? nope...not one bit. I constantly compared them to others and was left disappointed in them, time and again for not living up to the ideal parent mold. More unhealthy thinking...
I am clinically depressed and because of the family history and admitting I needed help, I have myself in a healthier place. I know that there is a trigger that could be flipped to make me an alcoholic- and started to forget that truth recently and have sinced stopped the wine/beer to make me calm down routine. I had to face these realizations head on to make better choices for me and my family.
I will NOT accept yelling, screaming, throwing things, punching holes in walls, cursing as methods to express anger in my home. I don't threaten another person when I'm angry or try to hurt another so that my hurt isn't as bad. No matter how bad I feel and how much I just want to hide under a bridge, I will NEVER leave my kids and abandon them. Running away doesn't solve the problems, it creates hurt and pain.
These are extreme examples of how I pull the past into my present to make sure my future is happier.
I really don't know what this post was to accomplish but to get this stuff out of my head.
11 comments:
blogging is good therapy.
I want it to end too and I love everyone of you. I can not imagine my life without any of you.
The family is expanding, and as it does, more and more consideration has to be with the changes that may occur. More and more acceptance and trust in each other of our significant others need to be there. It can be there, but it has to be honest.
Bringing up the past does nothing but create conflict. If any of us is deeply and emotionally torn from events in the past, it needs to be taken care of so that as stated, it is accepted, moved past. The events of the past do shape us, but it is no benefit to revisit them. A revisit means that for whoever brings it up, there is no closure or successful move on.
The decision to cancel the wedding is due to many things. One of which was the overwhelming feeling of dissatisfaction with choices we made. Referencing that old post, I felt the feeling of acceptance in others. That unless the worst is being caused from someone outside of our siblings, we know and trust of the decisions being made. Right now, it seems that there is no trust.
I have never tried to hide our past, or just try to move past it without dealing with the issues. I have worked through the fear and the anger of our family's past. I look at my life and have hope that nothing of my past will repeat itself. However, the drumming up of old and the insistence that I am need of help, or that Blair is not capable or able to care for me causes harm for both of us. The statements made give an impression that unless I receive full clinical help that I am doomed, and Blair is not strong enough to make sure I am ok. How can one take this? The problem is that it was overstepping. Telling someone "you aren't who I thought you were" is an attack, an attack made under emotional stress. It is not a threat, but is an action made in haste. However, is also a portion of a huge misunderstanding that escalated.
Sorry I keep jumping around and have no logic in my reply.
I love my family, everyone in that family. I do not like what I heard, felt, and saw the last week. I do not like what I have heard, felt, and saw the last few months. I don't like it because I am so anxious that if I don't act in a certain way, that there will be this overshadow and hate directed towards Blair.
No one is running away. The feeling of Blair is not of running away, but rather of being pushed out. Yes, she is a very shy and reserved person. As have I have been for a lot of my life. For this, she isn't an open book for everyone to know right away. But she has not harmed me. She has not put me down. She has not tried to make me feel that my family is secondary to anyone.
All these things are present with others significant others. But we allow those people in the past to be accepted by the family. We have allowed others to treat our siblings like hell, and have looked the other way. Why? Because we allowed those people to be trusted with their actions. We have not directly impacted their life in such a way that I and Blair believe has happened to us.
The thought that one needs to know of her completely is understandable, however, even after we knew of others and didn't like or respect everything about that person, we were still accepting.
Blair gives Andi and Jessie so much power over her, because it is perceived that those two represent the thoughts and feelings of the whole family. That without the acceptance and care of those two, nothing matters. I knew of issue with the idea that our ceremony be just our parents and no siblings. Her and I ran through everything over and over again. When it came down to it, the only thing that mattered was that her and I would enter into a covenant between me, her, and God. Being that I am apathetic to religion in general, this was actually a huge deal. I was accepting God into my life.
My threat the other day was after a final straw. I felt pushed up against a wall. I made a decision which hurt me deeply. Blair's decision to put it off hurt her deeply. But this became a mixed bag of statements ranging from me being clinically depressed to me not liking the family, to Blair not being the person for me.
I'm hoping for a way out of all of this. I want that wonderful feeling of anticipation back. I want to count down the days. But when I was counting down days, no one said anything. The excuse, "I didn't want to say anything because it is rude to comment on a party that not everyone is invited to" is utter BS.
I can't help but feel worthless to everyone. That you all feel I care nothing for the family. That I do not care about anything in the family. That I don't care about everyone because I haven't made the attempt to be there for everything. My life has been rough the last 12 months with work. A hell that I feel is greater than the hell of our family's past. Adding in a dual major graduate degree, taking on the Libertarian Party and even the last few months of planning a wedding has been very tough and has exhausted my time. Yes, I have not jumped at the chance to head out with Eric on a few occasions, and I didn't take up an invite for the movies at one time. All were either late or interfered with my commitments. I'd hope these wouldn't cause issue, but they have.
I guess I'm just writing to write at this point.
I'm sorry I made the impression that a telemarketer was calling when Jessie was trying to call. I was upset that when trying to reach out to a family member, we were told that it was either talk at the tanning center or not at all. That being busy was cleaning a room, and that was more important than working things out. How are we to react? Am I to be happy that even attempts to make things ok is met with resistance?
Or moreover, apologies are met with blame or more issues. Like Blair wanting to take a step back and reflect, receives a text message from Jess which is forwarded to me. I tell Jessie about the text, so she texts Blair "I'm sorry, but instead of forwarding texts to Nathan, maybe you should talk to me". How else would someone take that other than an attack?
We all agree that texts are not the right method for communication. I have blasted Blair for that too. But an attempt to open up is met with rejection. Saying come down to talk whenever is then met with bottled up thoughts and emotions.
Yes, I know you all do not know Blair as well as you may know others. But why is it that is not acceptable, but the more major issues of others including major negatives has been met with acceptance?
I don't want everyone to just say, fine, be married, do what you want. I don't want it to be a quick turn and statement of acceptance. I want there to be a discussion. I want everything to actually be ok. Otherwise it overshadows everything.
Sorry again, as I am just writing all of my thoughts. I cannot remember how I even started this response.
It is on me in my mind to fix everything, but I can not do it alone. I need to fix this, fix this with Blair, fix this with myself.
I will not accept anything less than what I want as an end, but am up for compromise and acceptance of any difference in the means to that end.
Whatever needs to be done, it needs to be done. discussion is needed first, as you have to know what Blair is going through. Just like you feel she needs to know our past, you have to respect whether or not she explains her past and present, and how that affects her.
She cares so deeply for me and what we want. We are connected in such a way that even with all of this, she is still there every night and day and we are able to talk rationally and calmly about this, but more importantly about things beyond this.
We don't argue and bicker. Most times I have been upset at family gatherings that Blair wasn't attending was because I wished so much that she was there. Not because we fought about it, and not because she was rejecting the family.
Frankly, she is scared to death of Andi. Andi is and has been a powerful force and influence in our lives. And for that, the second Andi says something, Blair is very quick to react. In fear that if she doesn't react correctly that she will be pushed aside.
And to Andi's credit, she can be scary. She has protected us against harm, has sacrificed herself in many ways for each of us. She has been a very very very wonderful person and caring sister the likes of which no other family has probably ever seen.
She was my best friend.
None the less, what has happened and even words I said and the horrible threats I made were out there. I only caused a greater harm in reaction to my own perceived harm and anger.
Nothing I can do will ever change that. I can only hope for reconciliation and repair over time.
I just want the life I wanted and was so close to.
nate-thank you for putting your thoughts out there.
I agree with Eric that you look for counseling because your words and actions were very scary.
This is something I will stand by - there will be no more instances of you coming to any family function alone ever again. There is a perception there that speaks louder than she realizes. She thinks we don't like her, so she doesn't show up. She doesn't show up, we think she has a problem with us. Unless she is working, sick, or has some legitimate excuse, we would like her there when you both are invited.
I'm going to take my time to reflect on the rest of your thoughts and consider if any more response is needed.
I apologized for my actions. I am trying to find forgiveness in my heart for your threat. I'm having a very hard time with it because you also threatened my kids indirectly. You all know how protective I am of you...I'm a more so with them.
Regarding our past- we don't just revisit to revisit because we are bored and have nothing to talk about. Often times something happens that causes it to surface again.
One major MAJOR issue that has come up in all our situations over the past two years is a serious lack of communication. I thought you and I communicated pretty openly and understood where each other were coming from since we talked just about daily, but apparently not.
I am not happy with that threat, and can only say that my feelings of attack and continued insistence of different things made me snap and think that maybe I should get even. I was tired of hoping a turning point would occur without action, and I went down a horrible road.
So here i sit. hoping everything will be better. but I made things worse. and now that overshadows everything. that overshadows the BS which flowed from Jessie's mouth as opinions of the family. That overshadows that fact that Blair was crushed thinking that the family might not respect her ceremony, and therefore marriage.
Makes sense. If you can't respect her wishes, means you care nothing of the marriage. I don't understand why some can not see that.
instead when I was poked a few too many times and snapped, it is turned around on me.
Yeah, I was upset over my modem not working, which was a result of thinking in my head, "I can't do my homework, I can't get that information from Eric, I can't get my bank account statements and bills, my refi has no chance, I'm going to fall behind in work"...
But now, here I sit...no wedding planned. No thought that anything will actually be accepted.
I really do believe a few people will not accept it, for whatever reason.
And yeah, Blair was making it to family gatherings and events. She had a brighter outlook on life and the family. Her only concern was that she made contact with two people she was most worried about impressing, and was crushed that day after day not having a single remark or question.
Sorry, going back down the road that started this.
Andi - this is something I will stand by :"This is something I will stand by - there will be no more instances of you coming to any family function alone ever again." - this is a point that was attempted to be made. The assertions that you make are more intimidating than you realize. Additionally, the rest of the statement is of issue.
Certain people (person) has used every instance as a firing attack. Just saying.
Additionally, except for the bar hoping night, I do believe she has been to everything that she could be in attendance....so, not to be an ass, your statement shows more resentment than acceptance. You resent her because she hasn't been to every outing or function.
And to remind you, it wasn't an outright "I don't think they like me so I'm showing up" for recent family functions.
You and I did communicate. And I did not make it a big deal about you not liking any decision. It was the fact that I didn't know of the issue. And when I brought it up, it was met with such negativity to suggest it was a worse problem that I had thought.
And when it was met with even more negativity from Jessie, it went deeper. Because then I was torn. I was told don't listen to Mom, but then boom, almost a confirmation.
I know, I am not getting over it. But to think, ok, it would be about 23 days until the wedding, and now nothing. Still hurts.
I'm a horrible person for what I have done.
April 2010, you mentioned you wanted to marry her...i said then, that was GREAT, but really needed to have her around to meet her and get to know this person you loved so much. Because up to that point, she had not met dad, had not met mom, didn't know me, Eric or Bryan. She was also not wanting to talk to Jess. After that moment, family extended invites and they went without answer. It's not that I resent her over it. I was more disppointed. I wanted more than anything for her to show she was as amazing as you said she was.
You and Blair have to stop pinning the excuses on me and Jess.
Up until today, the reasons Blair kept away was because of Jess. Now, it's because of me? Seriously?
I am not a scary person...and I do resent that label a bit. and, i'm tryign to figure out how the hell to come out from under that.
We all have apologized and apologized again - and Jess has one written as well, but is scared to send it to you.
this is not even the first time we've had this problem with blair's misconceptions and our supposed dislike of her. We never said we didn't like her. We have done all we can think of to make her more comfortable as we know how - which is to open our homes to you both or invite you to dinner or movies.
You both seem to expect us to jump through every single hoop to prove ourselves over and over again to reinforce to her that she's liked.
Your perception of the statement mom made should have been a done deal once we talked on Friday. YOU kept picking at it. You unleashed the feelings, then when both me and Jess wanted to talk to you, we were ignored...literally thrown into voicemail.
YOU picked and picked. YOU sent the text to me and Jess, attacking us with "due to the apparent disrespect of a certain person, we are rethinking plans and will get back to you".
Again, picked and picked and claimed you knew my true feelings when in fact you still had not had a decent,non-yelling conversation with me since Friday.
YOU and blair made the decision to cancel your wedding. You made that decision together...you both gave up on your wedding and your marriage before it even started. It's not that you postponed it to work stuff out, you both went to the extreme to cancel it.
what's that say Nate? I am pretty positive that if I loved someone enough to marry them and stuff got rocky, I'd postpone, not cancel. If I ever cancelled it, it would be because the reasons were so insurmountable and it would be a complete and total relationship killer.
You BOTH gave up on each other and you are now regretting the decision.
After Christmas and the bday weekend, I said thank you to Blair for being there. I gave her a hug when i saw her. I meant it when I told her mom, in front of you that we were happy to have her in the family and were excited.
this is so exhausting.....I'm tired of having to prove my worth to Blair now. I'm tired of hearing that my sister is the root cause of all problems with you guys. You keep forgetting she brought you together - did you ever thank her for that role she played in your life?? Blair was coming into our family and she should have been proving herself to us.
But, maybe I'm weird to think that. Maybe I'm weird to think back on when I started dating anthony and was nervous around his very close family and strong willed mom - I kept showing up. I got to know them. I didn't hide. Eric did the same with Suz's family. Suz did the same with us. Bry met and interacted with Jor's family, Jor hung with us when he was home to do so.
I have been battling the misconceptions from both sides for a while.
Yes, I knew I wanted marry her. But I wanted to see her commit to my family. That's why I held out. I knew my love was strong, but needed her to show she wanted our family.
The trip to DC this summer was her idea, and it was because she wanted to show she was trying to be more open. It was rough on her as she was overwhelmed when down there.
I'm not going to continue the same speach as I know how you feel.
I'm moving past the blame.
I was wrong, and now have to live my life knowing that.
I'm also seeking help to be sure I am not worse than what's on the surface.
The wedding is postponed, not cancelled, and I'm sensationalizing it. Maybe its due to anger at myself, the situation, whatever.
All of you have been a huge strength all my years, and now I'm happy I have even more support.
I'm just trying to pick up all the pieces.
one day at a time, one step at a time...
priorities are everything.
I had one of those "messages from God" things the other day that said it's better to do a little really well than a lot of things half assed (totally paraphrased).
Nothing happend here that can't be fixed.......
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